It claws beneath my eyes,
Fear builds from a single flicker,
That was benign at first.
Experiences trigger the first response,
Which twitch and throb,
Discordant against the familiar thud
Of my heart
Pain flourishes with each skipped beat,
Tugging a shudder of terror downwards,
As a shiver jolts each limb.
Then all freezes.
Movement is confused,
Lost in a wash of red,
Blood-coloured anxiety
Clots like embolisms that jam
In my mind.
The pace increases,
Adrenaline fires in pulses,
Breathing becomes shallow…
Until no air at all is left.
Still, yet constantly moving.
Dazed in the desolate lack
Of life sustaining air,
All is suspended
A moment held stiffly before my eyes
Until it all shudders and shatters.
Imprisoning walls crumble,
Exposing the reality that implores
Reason from the most seemingly
Surreal situation.
Fear gives in to the understanding;
That the threat has passed
Or it was never really there…
Just a whisper that cries from memories
Locked back by pain and sorrow.
There is no justification,
Just a response that is as unbeatable
As time itself.
It is not a malady,
Not something curable
But a cranky switch that reacts
To the smallest nudge of pressure.
Only time and patience
Can ease the fear…and remove it forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Well written and well developed!
Besides a few minor mistakes this poem is great over all. Not quite sure what you are trying to get through it still had me read twice. And thats kinda big for me with poems.
I would advise some editing just to pick out the bugs but all and all I liked it.
-Dawn
I could point out a few mistakes, but if there were any I didn't notice, and that's because I was so caught up in the poem. I think the title is really apt. Beneath my eyes = tears. Whether that was intentional or not, it's very clever. I paticulary enjoye the last stanza, as it really ties the poem up, and gives it a sense of fnality as welll as giving the reader a sense of acceptance.
You could have just written "until it all shatters," but you've added shudders, and made it seem like a dying animal, almost pitiful.
This poem really captures the essence of hesrt-stopping fear. Keep writing.
I like this poem at lot, actually (i was thinking I wouldn't from the title, but I was surprised). There were a few things that bugged me, though.
First off, it builds up to slowly to really capture the feelings of the experiences you're portraying. In my opinion, a poem about a panic attack should begin with a few lines and then a bang, or else should be more faast-paced than this. Perhaps you could take out some words, break up lines, or use punctuation to portray sudden pauses?
Also, the third line brought me out of the poem because of the repition of the word "air". Personally, I don't like it when one stanza focuses on a single word twice. Maybe you could replace the second instance of "air" with oxygen, or breath? Perhaps even "the life-sustainig", since its pretty obvious what you're talking about.
I really liked your fourth stanza. I captures the emotional aspect, unlike the rest of your poem which focuses on the physical. Drawing this into the other verses would be great. There's a lot of things going on in here--relief, fear, exhaustion, cynicism--and none of it is overt. Good job.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin, welcome back Jess not seen you in yonks. Well glad to see you getting back into the swing of things so well. Once you explained in chat what this was about, I was able to look with new sight if you get me. And it's really beautifully done, well worded and truly captures it. Except one thing when the panic attack hits, the flow should be fast, it should sweep through full pelt! Instead it much like other bits, sorta slow, whereas it should be fast as the heart is thumping like a dynamo.
.
Otherwise this was written perfectly, I dare say, but it doesn't get a Star because of that one thing. It's small, but it destracts badly, whereas it's well written and beautifully set out. It just too much to ignore.
I'm glad you're back Jess, and really hope this helps